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DO
YOU REMEMBER THOSE HAZY FOOTBALL DAYS OF FRANCE ’98?
The
authority of the dark, mysterious Scot – Alan Hansen…
The
muscular thighs of that Gallic heart-throb – David Ginola…
We
might not have won the World Cup but hey, in the battle of the soccer sex-symbols
it
was no competition!
A
NATION WAS LAID BACK BY HIS SILVERY CHARM.
Women
went weak at the knees as one throwaway remark followed another…
Moisture
flowed from every sly, knowing aside to the camera.
IN
THE SUMMER OF ’98… DES LYNAM was SEX - and
the girls were hot to trot!
LISTENING
TO HIS CHART-STORMING SINGLE IT WAS NOT SO MUCH
IF
AS… IF ONLY!!!
WELL,
THE WAIT IS OVER… OILZINE
(IN
ASSOCIATION WITH SILVER FOX PRODUCTIONS)
BRINGS
YOU…
IF2
YES!!!!!!
THAT’S IF2!!!!!!
SPECIALLY RECORDED
TO COMMEMORATE THE ‘PEOPLE’S’ WEDDING OF
MR
DAVID BECKHAM
AND
MISS VICTORIA ADAMS
OILZINE
brings you an exclusive look at the lyrics for what is sure to be a heart-stopper
of a chart-topper - putting Des back where he belongs
.
IF2…
If
you can keep your eye on the ball of life David when all about you
Are
star-struck and sycophantic fawning on you;
If
you can keep Poshie truly satisfied when all men doubt the virility in you,
But
make allowances for Leeds’ fans and their opinions too;
If
you can wait for Victoria to put on her slap and not be tired of waiting,
Or,
being led like Posh’s puppy dog, don’t deal with Murdoch lies,
Or,
being baited for your staunch fidelity, don’t give way to secret dating,
And
yet don’t look too good in your leather suit, nor talk too much to Dennis Wise
If
you can dream of playing in Italy – and not want all meals entirely of pasta;
If
you can think once in a while – and not let it interfere with your long ball
aim;
If
you can meet with a Sporty or Scary disaster
And
treat those two imposters for singers just the same;
If
you can bear to hear your voice as you’ve spoken
Twisted
by the panel who talk crap as a football fool,
Or
watch the woman you gave your life to – eventually a pop star broken,
And
stop and say thank you very much without appearing too cool;
If
you can make one big final transfer to ensure more winnings
And
risk it on another kick at Simeone and don’t give a toss,
And
lose, and go cut price to Spurs to start at your beginnings
And
never breathe a word to John Motson about your loss;
If
you can force a free kick of swerve and sinew
To
score direct long after your prime has gone,
And
so hold on to the away goal when there is nothing in the game for you
Except
the Will of Martin Edwards which says to the share price: "Hold on!";
If
you can tell crowds to get off your back about Victoria’s virtue,
Or
walk with King Cole, Sir Alex and Sir Bobby – nor lose that sublime right foot
touch;
If
neither goatee shows you up nor loving skirts can hurt you;
If
all men but Glenn count with you, but none too much;
If
you can fill the unforgiving extra-time minute
With
sixty seconds’ worth of ball juggling and a corner of the pitch distance run
–
Yours
is the European Cup, baby Brooklyn, Posh’s cat suit and everything that’s in
it,
And
– which is more – you’ll be a Man united to Spice my son!
YES,
OLD DESSIE – THE GOD OF ROMANCE FOR WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE ã – HAS CUT
A BANGIN’ DISC AGAIN!
IF
YOU’RE GOING WEAK AT THE KNEES AT JUST THE THOUGHT OF IF2…
AND
BY GOLLY I KNOW WE ARE!
(I
SAY – STEADY ON – YOU OILZINE EDITORIAL GIRLS!)
THEN
DON’T FIGHT IT… THERE’S ENOUGH DES HERE FOR EVERYONE!
E-MAIL
US, WRITE, PHONE, FAX … YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT, AND WE REALLY WANT
TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
YES,
JUST SEND OILZINE YOUR CASH - AND WE’LL SEND YOU ROUND SOME DES
IN A BROWN WRAPPER…
TOUT
DE SUITE… IF NOT SOONER!
www.godoftvsport.freeserve.co.uk/
- Site dedicated to everything you could ever want concerning our smooth hero.
http://move.to/VictoriaAndDavid
– Moving celebration of the love that knows no bounds, sniff…
www.geocities.com/Athens/Aegean/1457/poem7.htm
– The original IF poem from old Rudyard himself. And yes, he did make
exceedingly good cakes as well.
michael
white
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